Ahhh, the nineties. Can you feel it? Bill Clinton noticed an attractive, plump intern making eyes at him, Seinfeld aired its last episode (in a Kaufman-esque turn it was notably unfunny), and I guess if he were real, Marty McFly Jr. would be a brand, spankin’ new baby. Myself, I was trying to start up my fledgling career, painting commissioned reproductions of old, famous paintings in order to just squeak by, and if I recall correctly, was chock full of Infallible Opinions. The sheer number of notches I was going to be taken down by…I would never have guessed.

Humility, however was for the future, not a concern for someone so ’98 hip as I was. For example:

Oversized sweater with plaid shirt underneath?

Check.

Sparse, sad attempt at sideburns?

Check.

Long, luxurious, ridiculously thick hippy/grunge hair, pulled back for that “professional” look?

Check.

Last minute “artistic” and TOTALLY NOT STAGED touch-ups to monstrously large painting?

Check.

As you know, the camera adds ten pounds, so I “appear” to be a healthily robust 145 lbs. Not bad for a diet of ramen noodles and cola.